I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
