Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
