I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
