I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.