It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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