Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
