Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
