it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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