I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
