Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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