It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
