Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
