I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
