I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
