Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
