she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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