i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
