I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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