we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
