This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
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