I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
