my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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