Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
