she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
