God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
