I wanna bring you to show and tell
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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