You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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