just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Randomize
