nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize