Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Hippo gnu deer
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
