I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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