I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
