I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
