your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
