WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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