HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
