i just had sex bonerless
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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