Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
