i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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