I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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