Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
True college students do jello shots in the library
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
