Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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