i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
