he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
you mean i was at the winter classic?
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
