Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
