Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
where am i from again
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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