someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
