Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
