i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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