Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
