if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
