I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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