i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
