I think I won the penis lottery.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
