Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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