Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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