y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Randomize
