I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
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