I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
