my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
