i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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